Life has been....interesting. Looking back at it I can't believe how many twists and turns has brought me to this one point. I have lived the greatest and the not so greatest times. I have made the best and worst choices. Do I know all the right answers after all this time? No, and I assume I never will. That being said, all I can give you, all I can show you, are my experiences. I give this to you in the hopes that it'll inspire you to follow your dreams, no matter how hard they might be. You are stronger than you imagine, and I should know. At the beginning all I thought I was, was a broken child....
I still remember the first time we drove up to our new house in Riverview. I thought it was a castle. I got my own room that was the same size as my older sisters'. My parents were happy, knowing that all their hard work had paid off. They could finally give their family all they wanted. My father had worked so hard as a surgeon to get us to this nice quiet town, my mother always being the companion of his, making sure everything else was taken care of.
After we had moved in and were all settled I remember we had a very special dinner. My mother slaved away in the kitchen all day preparing it, humming away songs she heard on the radio. I honestly didn't think too much about the dinner. I mean, I was 9, what could happen to me?
After we all sat down for dinner and were finishing up the meal, my father put his plate down and cleared his throat. He looked at all of us and gave a weak smile before he spoke. "I'm glad we are all here tonight because there is something very important about to happen to you three. After talking about it for a few weeks, your mother and I have decided to send you all to boarding school."
All silverware fell from our hands. The room was in utter silence for minutes until one of my older twin sisters, Gabriella started laughing nervously. "I'm sorry, but you move us away from everything we already knew and then right when we're getting used to this place you want to send us away?"
"May I ask why?" my other sister, Neve, asked.
"Well, honestly things are getting a little busy around here and your mother just feels like she needs more time to herself. On top of all that, these are the best ranked schools in the nation. You'll be getting a much better education than you would at any school here." My father told us, my mother nodding along.
"I don't understand..." I mumbled.
"It means they don't want us around anymore Harvey. Apparently we didn't only lose your box of toys in the move, we lost their love as well."Neve told me in a very angered tone.
"Now that's enough. You know that isn't true. I will not argue this point. The bus will be coming to pick you all up tomorrow morning. I suggest you finish your meals and go get packed." My father ordered. Both my sisters slammed down their plates and left the dining room while stomping their feet. I on the other hand took my time. I really didn't know what to think about leaving.
Instead of packing right away I went to go visit Neve. Out of my sisters she was my favorite. Maybe it was because she always took the time to listen to me, or that she treated me like an equal more than anyone else. Who know, it might've been because she was the sister who didn't always pull pranks on me. I sat beside her on her bed and we were both quiet for a while.
"I know we can be a handful sometimes, but I just feel like there is more going on than getting us our of here and into better schools." Neve told me.
"Dad said mom needed more space...maybe we're crowding her." I told her.
Neve laughed. "Oh yeah, she must feel so crowded in his huge house."
It made me smile too, and I kept that smile until I started thinking about school. "I don't want to be alone at school without you."
"I know buddy, it's scary...but it's also exciting. It's a brand new start and just think about all the stuff you'll learn. You'll be okay." Neve said nudging me. I said my goodnight to her and went to go take a shower. Maybe things would be okay. If I wasn't wanted here, I'm sure I would be at school.
Arg! Are you kidding me? "Gabriella!!!"
"Gotcha!" I heard her yell from her room. Great...a brand new start and I would show up with pink hair!
The next day, just like my father said, the bus arrived for us. I said my goodbyes to my parents and left. I was honestly more excited about the new school than I was angry with my parents. My sisters on the other hand grumbled, Gabriella didn't even say goodbye.
As we drove away I watched as my mother stood outside and watched us as we drove away. I had no idea this was the last time I would ever see my mother alive...
I don't know every last detail, but a few weeks after we left my sisters and I were pulled into our principal's offices to tell us we were going to be sent home. When I asked why he told me that my father came home from the hospital one day and found my mother dying in their bedroom. Later I was told it was because she overdosed.
When we came home we didn't spend much time in the house. We didn't get involved in the funeral preparations and even after my mother was buried we let our father have the house. I would usually wake up in my bed, get dressed quickly and run out of the house as quick as possible. I was afraid of the places my mother usually was, I would rather go hungry than go into the kitchen for food. Most days I would sit in the sand box and later be joined by my sisters. Gabriella had nothing but anger for our mother. She called her selfish and other words I don't want to repeat. She was also mad at my father, saying it was his fault, that he should've seen the 'signs' of her trying to kill herself. Neve had other opinions. She refused to believe our mother would've killed herself. She believed something else happened, but no one would do more than frown at her and shake their head. I stayed silent. I loved my mother and it hurt too much to think she was really gone.
Quicker than I wanted my sisters graduated and aged. Gabriella wanted to leave the night they were young adults. Neve made her wait long enough for me to turn into a teenager. She promised that she would only be a phone call away as she left. I missed my sister and I was honestly scared shitless that I would end up getting a call saying she had the same fate as my mother.
For the months that followed I would spend my days at public school and my nights painting. It gave me a reason not to see my father. It soothed me, turning on my ipod and tuning out of my world and into the worlds I would paint as music overwhelmed my ears. Not only that, it made me better at my talent, even to where I won contests at school.
Don't get me wrong, I still loved my father, but life was just too awkward for us now. I wasn't the only one hiding from the quiet reality of our house. Once my sisters left and I became a teenager he started taking on more shifts at the hospital, going to fundraisers and other things that kept him from home until the wee hours of the morning so he could slip off to bed until after I left for school.
It was a few years later when I started to really worry about my father. Sometimes he would forget to go to work, other times I would hear him talk to himself, though I had to take a double look because it sounded like he was talking to someone.
On my birthday I was silently painting, not expecting much more than my father making an appearance and telling me happy birthday. I felt a presence behind me and when I turned I saw him hugging thin air. I turned off my music and called out his name. It seemed like reality swept into his eyes along with tears. "I'm sorry son, I knew it was your birthday...and this one is important."
"It's just my 18th." I told him, still a little shocked about what I just saw.
"You're becoming a young adult." he smiled and nodded. "You're mother would've wanted to be here."
I didn't know what more to say, so I decided to start the celebration. What would a young adult life change about me? It's not like it would change the past.
Me as a young adult.
Once my birthday was over I smiled at my dad and he looked down. It seemed to prove that nothing different would change. We would still have these awkward moments. I wanted nothing more than to put my earbuds back in and get back to my painting, but it looked as if my father wanted to say something.
"I suppose you are planning to leave like your sisters did."
"Not really." I honestly told him. As awkward as our relationship had gotten since my mother had died, I didn't want to leave him alone in this house all by himself. This house changed him. I had seen him outside of this place, when he was at work or the other volunteering he did. He was normal, he was functioning. Hell, he would even flirt with girls. When he came back here, though, he just couldn't handle it.
"Well then my graduation gift will work perfectly." He smiled at the ground. I tried to make eye contact, but he refused. "Harvey, I'm going to move out and give you the deeds to his house."
I was quiet. I guess I didn't actually believe that my father as leaving.
He started to laugh as tears ran down his face. "I knew I needed to raise you, but Harvey, I can't stay here...not after what happened to your mother and...well what happened here."
I finally made eye contact with him. "What do you mean, dad?"
He took a big gulp before he answered. "The reason why you and your sisters were sent away wasn't because your mother didn't want you. We had just realized she was pregnant...with triplets. We were going to make sure she had a safe pregnancy while making sure you three were well taken care of. Was it the best option? Probably not, but we thought it was the best for you....then...then that happened. I just...don't understand."
I reached out and held my father in my arms. It was more than we have talked since my mother died and I knew it took a lot. It didn't want to see him hurt so much. "It's okay dad, you can leave. I'll keep the house."
"Thank you." he whispered.
The day I graduated I was alone. I didn't tell Neve, because what would I say when she saw our father was gone. I wanted to give him some time away before the angry calls from my sisters came to him. He deserved to get out of this life. If he thought he could only find happiness somewhere besides here, then he deserved to get out.
Not being in school anymore really made me wonder what I should do with my life. I figured that it was probably time to find someone to fall in love with. It was a lot harder than I thought. I hadn't really had a lot of interaction with women and it didn't even occur to me that there was a certain woman out there for me. Honestly back then I was so dimwitted I thought any girl would do.
I guess that was my excuse when I was followed home one night by a woman I had never seen before. She told me her name was Rian Emme and she was in desperate need for any kind of compassion. She told me she was homeless and it had been days since she had a bite to eat. I invited her inside for a sandwich, but also to hear her story. It sounded interesting.
"Sorry it's not a lot...I'm not much of a cook." I told her awkwardly. Honestly most days I ordered out so I didn't have to go into that kitchen.
"No, this is great. Honestly...the best bread and jam I have ever had." she smiled at me and it caught me off guard.
I cleared my throat. "So, why are you homeless?"
"I guess it's just a lot of really bad choices. I tend to fall in love with the bad boys...and they lead me down these paths." Rian told me. She gave me a look again.
I got up awkwardly, hoping to get out of her gaze, but she only followed. She inched up close to me and I felt my skin shiver. "You're not a bad boy...are you?"
"Umm....no mam, I don't think so." I told her, my voice quivering a little.
She gave this cute little chuckle and move in closer for a kiss. Her lips were caked with lipstick, but I remember getting used to the taste very quickly. I had never kissed a girl before and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice.
Before I knew it I was pulling her in closer, feeling her body and getting a sense of where this was going to go. I never said I was the smartest guy out there...
That night was the first one I went to bed without my earbuds tuning out the sound of reality in my head. That night, reality was much better than one I could ever come up with in my head, or on a canvas.
Though the next couple of days were awkward, they had nice company. I didn't know if Rian would decide to stay or go, but she kept to herself and I kept to my hobbies, especially the ones that could pay for the house I inherited.
When she started to get sick I started to wonder how long that jelly had been in the fridge. I decided if she was going to stay I would have to actually do more than hide from the kitchen.
Soon after her sicknesses we would perfect our love. I thought I was so in love with this woman, I would do anything for her.
And yes, I did everything with her...
One morning she came out of the bathroom and woke me. In a very quiet voice she told me she was pregnant. A little part of me screamed for joy, but the rest was confused. I had just grown up myself and now I was going to be a father.
"Well...that's one option." Rian told me.
We spent that day together talking about it. She told me that she didn't want to be a mother, that she wasn't supposed to be a mother. It was then she told me it was a mistake that she came her. The pain of her words hit harder than I could've ever expected. As she kept talking I remember wondering why it wasn't hurting her as much as it was for me. Was it just a woman thing? Did words not hurt them as they did men? Or did she really feel this way?
"Rian, if you care for me at all, please don't hurt our child. He or she didn't do anything wrong. He or she is just proof of the love we shared." I begged her. I saw a different look in her eyes at that moment. All of a sudden I saw a look in her eyes that I hadn't seen before. It looked like she really cared for what I wanted. It was then I realized everything before this was a lie.
She agreed to keep the baby and try to be a good mom, but as the pregnancy went along she kept loosing it more and more. One day I woke up to see she wasn't in the bed with me. When I went searching for her I realized she was sitting at the bar. As I walked over to her I noticed the bottle of vodka out...and my mind blew.
"Rian, you can't drink while you're pregnant! It'll hurt the child!" I took her drink away and poured it down the sink. I came back to an angry woman.
"Don't tell me what I can and cannot do! I can drink if I want to! You don't know me!" She shouted.
I tried to reason with her. "Drinking like that is going to hurt the baby. This is the kind of responsibility it takes to me a good parent. How many times have you snuck down here and drank like that?"
She blew my question off with a hand and walked back up the stairs to the bedroom. I started to become very worried for my child.
As a result our child was born three weeks premature. She only weighed three pound, 8 ounces.
Though I was worried for her, I was so happy to be a father to a daughter. My first child, little Nadeen Emme. Rian insisted she had her last name, but I agreed...I honestly didn't know how long little Nadeen would have her mother in her life. She should have her mother's last name.
Don't get me wrong, I tried everything I could to make Rian happy here and to stay with us. I knew she had issues, but I wanted my daughter to have her mother. If Rian left, there would be no way I would let her take Nadeen.
Whether or not she tried I could see what she meant when she told me she wasn't supposed to be a mother. She refused to pick Nadeen up if she was crying and I even caught her yelling at Nadeen in her crib. I was more than angry, but I tried to keep the peace. I kept wondering how much was enough though...
On Nadeen's birthday Rian was having quite a hard day. She kept pointing the finger at me saying I ruined her life. I told her she needed to calm down, but even as I sang happy birthday to our daughter she was yelling at me.
Nadeen Emme as a toddler.
"Look how slow she is. This is all your fault we have a retarded daughter." Rian told me.
"She's a toddler, she needs to be taught everything. Even if she does have a mental handicap, it was you who drank during pregnancy." I told her, reaching my breaking point. I couldn't let my daughter be called such a horrific name as "retard".
"I drank because of you! You did this to me!" Rian shouted.
"If you want out Rian, then leave!" I screamed back. I couldn't stop it anymore. I didn't want my daughter to grow up with this kind of mother. The mother I knew was kind and loving, but it was obvious not every mother was the same.
"Maybe I will then! Come on Nadeen." Rian tried to grab Nadeen from me, but I pushed her away.
"If you leave, you leave alone. You are not fit to raise any child." I coldly told her.
Without another word, Rain left. Nadeen and I stood there for a long time, even after we heard the door shut. In the silence I wondered if what I did was the best idea. I all of a sudden became a single parent, I didn't know if I was fit enough to be that. Nadeen started to whimper.
I looked at her and held her close. "There there Nadeen, everything will be fine. I promise." I tickled her and she laughed and was all better. It made me feel better. That little laugh made me believe that things would be okay.
A few weeks later when I was pretty sure I wouldn't see Rian again I invited Neve over to meet her first niece. Neve and Nadeen got along really well and I was happy that there was a female figure in her life. Once Nadeen started playing with one of her toys I started seriously talking to Neve. "Her mother did a lot of drinking. She was premature. I'm worried that it will affect her."
"And if it does, then what?" Neve asked.
I sighed and looked at her. "Then I guess I look at getting her the help she needs and...and..."
"And be fine Harvey. I can tell you'll be a good dad." Neve smiled.
"I actually wanted to talk to you about something. I've been reading a lot about these people called challenge fathers...and well...I'm wondering if you might think about it." Neve told me.
"Challenge fathers?" I asked her.
"Yeah, these guys decided to have one hundred children with different women. They publicize it and become famous." Neve told him.
"You're telling me....you want me to have 99 other children?" I asked almost laughing.
"Well maybe. You have this big house, you are obviously good at being a dad, plus it might help with money. Plus, I'm sure if mom is still around, it would make her very happy to have that many grandchildren." Neve tried to get me to agree.
I wanted to tell her that it was exactly what mom would've wanted. I wanted to tell her that we had three other siblings that we would never know. Mostly, I wanted to tell her that I agreed with her that I didn't believe our mother committed suicide, but I didn't want to dig up an old wound. "I'll think about it." I told her.
Later that day I took Nadeen out to the playground my father had built us when we moved in here. as I put her on a toy and helped push her along I thought about what Neve had brought up. I tried to think about 99 other toddlers here. The idea seemed ridiculous, until I realized that the kids wouldn't all be the same age. This house would become fuller than it ever was if I did this. If my mother was still here...it would be something she could enjoy in her afterlife. I liked being a father and deep down I knew I wanted to be a father to more children.
As I snuggled my daughter I asked, "How do you feel about being the oldest of 99 siblings?"
No comments:
Post a Comment